Reset Button Redux…
Before I left Colorado, my dear friend kept asking me, “So, when are you going to get excited?”. I didn’t have an answer. I could feel that something was wrong, I just couldn’t put my finger on it. Another friend suggested that it might take me a few days to unwind before I truly let go. In my head, “a few days” meant three and after a good cry, all of the drama would be over. I would be able to wash the stress of the last month and a half away with tears and come out refreshed on the other side.
For a month prior to my departure, I daydreamed about how I would be so inspired as to spend my days at the computer, typing away. After all, the Scriptorium was the sanctuary where the scribes of Saint Benedict’s Abbey would retreat to perform their craft. I swooned at the idea of Gothic columns and carved arches providing my shelter for two weeks. Further still, I would be near a large body of water, Loch Ness. My retreat was artfully constructed. I shouldn’t have been surprised when I got exactly what I had asked for!
I can look back, now, and giggle about all of the ways I thought things would work out. Even when I thought I was letting go, I was busy creating an elaborate dream to shield me from the raw experience of my upcoming journey. I had constructed an image in my head and when the image didn’t match, I panicked in disappointment. In retrospect, how could I be excited? I took all of the fun out of the journey before I even left home!
How lucky I am, that life, in its gentle way, was able to ignore my machinations and give me exactly what I needed.
Aside from a good laugh, I’ve received a ton of beautiful gifts over the past week. For the first time, in a long time, I’ve been able to surrender and rest. I’ve slept more in the past week than I care to admit! I asked for a retreat and I got a sanctuary. At home and on prior vacations, I would eat out, almost exclusively. Here, I’ve cooked every day. I’ve washed dishes every day. I’ve started meditating again and I’ve made time for tea. Though I haven’t met my writing expectations, I’ve recorded daily journal entries and I’ve done much needed research on what it will take to market myself. I discovered a collection of women who are bound together by their love of travel and will be meeting one of them for coffee when I get to Edinburgh. I’ve even discovered a way to further my future travels while volunteering in different countries. In summary, seven days of standing still has created the space and provided the time I needed to move out of a fog I didn’t know I was in!
About Space & Time…
Looking back on the sewer line affair, I recall being so afraid to make a decision about spending money. The first round of expenses was easy. The line needed to be replaced and I really didn’t have an option. However, the second round was not so easy. I wanted to do the right thing, but I wasn’t sure what that was. Shock and fear perfused my body. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I made the best decision I could possibly make when I asked the rooter company for more time to make a decision. From that moment to the present, I can recall two additional times when big decisions required a large amount of space and an unlimited amount of time.
As I come into better alignment with my ideals and into better understanding of my needs and desires, I am finding that the combination of space and time are of paramount importance. I am also discovering, that I cannot place a restriction on either concept. In the matter of the sewer line, it took a solid month to realize that postponing the second action was probably the best thing I could have done. From a place of fear, I heard that I would be in trouble if I didn’t spend more. Though, as time passed, it provided the ample space my system required to calm down. From a calm state, I was able to realize that the second quote was projected for a non-critical fix. Had I acted out of fear, I may have cost myself financial anguish and I may not have come to a deeper understanding of the phrase, “time takes time.”
Whatever the problem, the concept remains the same. Given enough space and time, the answers will come. I just need to be willing to pause and be patient.