The second day of 2016 and my soul is brimming with all of the possibilities awaiting me. To tell the truth, it is quite overwhelming at times. My heart beats fast and my stomach flutters. Insomnia is a frequent companion these days and I have been waking up later and later.
What could possibly be so exciting that I am having a physical reaction? Well, you see, I am standing at the precipice of another level of self-acceptance. I am gradually opening my eyes to the truth of my soul and the truth is, I am a romantic wander-lust who has isolated herself for too long.
I peered in my passport this morning and much to my regret, I discovered that the last time I explored another country was four years ago. Granted, there are folks who have never been out of their respective countries. But, I am coming to realize that I am not the person who is meant to sit still and conform to societal norms.
I have tried so hard over the past four years to be the good girl. I planned the use of finances to ensure my security. After all, isn’t that what we are taught to do? We are conditioned to seek a college education, find a career, work hard, save money and hopefully, in our twilight years (sooner for those who score above a 130 on popular tests of intelligence) we might be able to securely venture out into the world. This has been my doctrine from the time I was quite young and it is what I revert to when I feel the slightest tinge of insecurity whether it be social or financial.
However, a subtle shift in consciousness is taking place. About a week ago, I realized that this leopard’s spots might never change. For four years I have charged, head-long at reconditioning myself to fit into the mold of society. I have attempted to abandon my romantic and dreamy self in favor of a more logical and responsible self. After all, the last time I gave in to my romantic and dreamy side, I leaped into a relationship that would end in what I perceived as failure.
Up until this very moment, that has been my constant perception. I failed! However, I can now see that the process of the “failed” relationship is what put me in touch with my romantic side. So, let me write that line again. The last time I gave in to my romantic and dreamy side, I leaped into a relationship that; afforded me opportunity, taught me that I am a capable woman and sparked a passion for art, education and travel.
In May of 2015, I embarked on a road trip that would re-connect me with my true self, introduce me to and ground me in my spirituality and set me free from the concept of what should be so. It was the first time I would step out into the world, throwing caution, fear and security to the wind. Two months and 5,000 miles later, I began my journey back to the stable and secure life I created. I cried the whole way home! I had just re-discovered myself and I was afraid of losing contact with that woman. I was afraid of falling back into the same security seeking routine. It was confining. Along my journey, my spirit had outgrown it’s cramped quarters. But, I had responsibilities to attend to. I reasoned with myself to attend to those responsibilities and then I would set myself free again.
Embracing the idea that I am an outlier is fear producing. There is a part of me that insists I must maintain a level of responsibility. Giving in to the idea that I could live a relatively small, yet gloriously wild life that is unencumbered by major responsibilities is uncharted territory. When I start to hesitate, I try to remind myself that “everything I want is on the other side of fear”and I also try to recall a saying that was passed on to me from a trusted friend, “responsibility is our ability to respond and nothing more”. To embrace my true self and to live from that authenticity will likely set me apart. I have no idea what is in store. But, I can tell you from experience, conforming is not living.
It may sound like a resolution, and if there is any resolution I intend to make, it will be a commitment to blog more this year. No, a gradual awakening is not a resolution! To me, a resolution is a conscious effort to make a change. The awakening requires no effort and cannot be attained by any method. It can only be attained by living. It is sought through trial and error and it is discovered by sitting quietly and listening to the messages the world sends us.
Thankfully, today, I am able to listen and the words are coming clearly. It is time to live authentically, to embrace my wander-lust, to indulge my inner romantic, to tell stories, to have courage and above all to let go of the person I think I need to be and embrace the person that I am!
As stated in my original post, I am excited to regale the world with stories of my adventures. Hopefully, the resolution to blog more will stick. If not, I’ll see you all in another ten months!
On to new adventures! Happy 2016!